Thursday, August 18, 2005

The President Speaks

Note: This is an old article, but one I have a certain affection for; it's about a speech made by Simon Fraser University President Jack Blaney. It was written for the student newspaper, but denied publication.

In an allocution delivered to an audience composed mostly of senate and faculty members, president Jack Blaney outlined elements of his agenda for the next two years. President Jack, an affable, minikin man with a glabrous head, was wearing a stylish designer jacket with shiny golden buttons. His speech, which commenced with a series of pensive generalities regarding the changing provincial economy, moved from the pleasantly banal to the incisively flummery gobbledygook that characterizes official declamations. Cured of clinophobia, yet pinned to my seat by a sense of duty, I strove to scribble every last bit of flapdoodle that was spurting the upper orifice of our beloved executive officer. Mister Jack, who was heavily sudating throughout the speech, noted that it was becoming more difficult to hire firt choices in faculty searches. "We will try to hire the best we can," he ejaculated, noting at the same time that copasetic scholars are bedazzled and captured by good research facilities and filthy lucre. That reminded him of the fact that the officialdom of Victoria was not likely to increase the amount of coin delivered into the school's purse. Jack also mentioned the decline in moolah and the budget cuts that it would be necesary to effect in order to cope with this predicament. On a more propitious note, Blaney vocalized his desire to increase the level of specie available to assiduous and deserving students from 20 million mazuma to 25 million dibs. Part of Blaney's declamation was replete with encomium lavished upon the faculty. "We expect a high level of lucubration from our scholars. And they do lucubrate sterlingly."
After the conclusion of his verbal ejaculations, I conferred with an estemeen colleague from PIRG (The Possee of Irate and Restless Goons). Curtis Acton, member of DevWatch, expressed a sense that Blaney's declamations were either meretricious or mendacious. Either way, he quipped, the process surrounding the development of Burnaby Mountain (a topic studiously circumvented by Mr. President) is unlikely to be patulous, ringent, dehiscent or porous. That being uttered, I left the plume fall from my enervated hand, and rushed to submit this diminutive parchment to my editor. I now hand this vellum to her, for she is a lady of high repute, lustruous hair and scintillating eyes. To you, oh pulchritudinous and refulgent one, I send my good regards.

Completed by the humble scribe Mennek the Bibulous in the Year of our Lord, 1998.